First, the bad news – Awe-full Ornaments is on hiatus this year.

No, smart asses that wasn’t the good news.

This year I’m going on a Christmas adventure to seek out the most awe-full ornaments from one of the sources of ornament awe-fullness – southeast Asia. No offense, but that’s just where many of the gems I’ve found are “crafted”. Hopefully, I’ll arrive with a treasure trove of such goodness, uh, I mean awe-fullness that I can share with you fine folks next year. So sit back, have some eggnog and I’ll see ya next year.

And with that, I wish you a wonderfully warm and awe-full holiday season! Keep on Trololo-ing!

Goody goody gumdrops. Now we’re gonna have an ant problem.
Visit winecountrypictures.com/Personal-Projects/Awe-ful-Ornaments to view the entire collection of funny, kitschy, ugly, tacky, but endearing holiday ornaments by photographer Jason Tinacci

For this year’s final installment of Awe-full Ornaments I present you two special works akin to the shining star(s) that brought the wise men to the manger. And I share them with you today…

But the story surrounding these ornaments is part Christmas miracle and part mystery… and trying to nail down a consistent version is like trying to find the real Mr. Claus among a line-up of department store Santas. Impossible.

Legend has it these were made by 8 year old Leah and and 6 year old Erin Euser. The concept was so groundbreaking and handiwork so fine that both were entered into a contest… and WON! Or at least one of them did. Here’s where the details of the story become sketchy because apparently only Leah’s won. One would find it hard to believe that only one of two nearly identical entries would win. Press the family a little more and you may hear that their mom was, in fact, the creator. Sounds pretty fishy to me.

I tried to reach the Euser family, but they were unavailable for comment. But listen here, Eusers… your Christmas lies will catch up to you! It’s time to tell the truth about your ornaments.

If not for me, then do it for the children…

Turn up the sound and sing along!!!

no no no no nooooooooooooooooo do do dooooooooh

nah nah naaah nah ah ya

lo lo lo lo looooooooow lo lo looow lo lo looow lo lo low

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oooh
uh uh oh oh oooh
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oooh
lo lo lo lo loow

ah HYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! eeeh eeeh yeeh
la la laaaa laa la la

oh oh oh oh oooh
BAH ba da da da doh doh doh doooh
la da daaa da la da

la la la la luh la la la la la lo
la la la la la yo
trla la la la luh la la la la la lo
ah huh huh huh ho
hah huh huh huh ho
hah huh huh huh ho
hah hah hah huh ho
la la la la lo lo lo lo la la la la lo lo la la la la lo lo

OOOOOOOOOH la la laaaah la la laah laaaah lah la
hoh oh oh oh oooooh lo lo looow la la la laaah lah la lah
la la la la luh la la la la la lo
oh hoh oh oh hoh
la la la la luh la la la la la lo
oh hoh oh oh hoooooooooooooh!

Arrgh! This be Pirate Jack – the meanest, most ruthless shriveled gourd you’ll ever meet hanging from the boughs of my friend Burke’s holiday tree. Legend has it, he started out as a carved pumpkin that outlasted Halloween and Thanksgiving, and over 20 years later is still threatening Christmas with his shiny metal hook!

Quit lauging. It was made by an 8 year old. Hope you feel bad now.

Homemade clothespin Paul Bunyon… or musketeer. The hat throws me off.

Click for a preview.

Did you know Awe-full Ornaments is in book form? Yep. Totally true. Click Buy Stuff to order a copy or three. C’mon… don’t be a cheapskate. I’m gonna guess your friend or loved one will really like that Old Navy scarf you’re thinking of getting them. (cough) boring (cough)

Each 7″x7″ softcover book contains over 40 of your favorite awe-full ornament photos printed in full color on thick paper, high-quality paper and includes colorful commentary! Act now and you’ll receive the exact number of books you order for the low low price of the cost of that number of books plus shipping. I’ll even throw in a Snuggie, two Shamwows and a fuscia-colored Ahh Bra (as seen on tv) with every order*.

*Hurry supplies are limited, and the free gifts won’t last since I need a white elephant gift for the office holiday party.

Some screenshots from the book…

Click Buy Stuff to order a copy or three.

Just a little public service reminder from the elves at Awe-full Ornaments

A herd of cork reindeer makes for a herd of fun!

Get glitterific and don’t spare the hot glue!

Crochet yourself a Christmas pooch

Cork rocking horses are very popular in the wine country

This puzzle ball from fabric remnants weighs about 40 pounds thanks to the lead ball in the center. Cell phone reception mysteriously drops when you near this thing.

I think the eye choice for this hand-painted toy soldier was interesting… Why give him expressive eyes when you can use the ol’ fashioned “knocked out” look???

Santa, when you’re done working off all those cookies, Richard Simmons wants his shorts back. Think he’s listening to Christmas music?

South Beach or bust!

Now, I know the olden days were different but this illustration is kind of disturbing. Why are all the children trying to escape from Santa’s clutches???

Hand-painted Santa-ish ornament

And lastly, here’s a peek into the Awe-full Ornaments workshop. It’s slightly different than Santa’s workshop but mine comes complete with one lazy elfin helper, my dog Nestle and a great Napa Valley view.

While a table full of ornaments waits their turn in front of the camera, Nestle finds herself some trouble.

Ooooooooh, put a cork in it! I love the smell of mulled wine bubbling away on the stove. But I’m not a fan of how the aromas permeate closet doors and make all your clothes smell hobo-ish.

Elfin magic with pipe cleaners, felt and sequins. There’s a special pungent odor inherent in all felt ornaments older than 3 years. Initiating gag reflex in 3, 2, 1…

A herd of clothespin reindeer. In a pinch, you can plug the ol’ schnoz from offending odors like felt ornaments or aunt Ethel’s perfume.

Finally, here’s a gem I found hermetically sealed in its original packaging – a Pine tree scented plastic pine tree to hang on your fake tree. I suppose you could hang it on your real tree for a more intense pine scent, or hang it from your car’s rearview mirror after the holidays!

The birth of Christ as acted out by fake marshmallows, chocolate bar and graham cracker? Could you get s’more insensitive?

This is a Christmas decoration and is not edible.” Sad but true. It looked so real; I couldn’t resist.

This beaut brings all kinds of sparkle to any holiday decor, especially faux wood paneling.

Oh, sure I could have went with any number of prick jokes, but I happen to think this portly caroler made from dried thistle and felt is pretty clever.